DIET
| 1 flat bagel – 400 | 400 | |
| Cream cheese – 100 | 100 | |
| 1 sugar – 28 | 28 | |
| 1 bowl cereal with milk – 180 | 180 | |
| 1/4 cup milk – 25 | 25 | |
| 45 g pecans – 250 | 250 | |
| Post workout | ||
| 2/3 cup rice 450 | 450 | |
| 350g chicken breast 580 | 580 | |
| 1 schnitzel 250 | 250 | |
| Salad and sauce 170 | 170 | |
| 200g rice pudding – 250 | 250 | |
| 150g yogurt – 130 | 130 | |
| Total Calories | 2813 |
GYM
Bench – 135 x 5 x 5 x 5
Shoulder Press – 75 x 9 x 9 x 7 x 7
Arnold Press – 25 x 6 x 6 x 6 x 6
Lateral Raise – 15 lb x 15 x 12 x 12
Rear delt Machine – 60 x 8 x 10 MINDSET! X 8 x 8
Tricep Dips – x 4 x 4 x 4
French Curls – 45 x 7 x 7 x 7 x 7
Incline Skullcrushers – 60 x 6 x 6 x 5 x 4
V Pulldowns – 27.5 x 13 x 13 x 13 x 13
SUMMARY
Found a bit of blood on toilet paper after wiping – took a massive shit with a lot of poop, not too hard though, but was hard to come out. When I saw it anxiety just came rushing back in. Funny cause I had the same blood poop wipe a week or so ago and it didn’t affect my mind so much. I had exam by doc, also did a FOBT which came back negative! And super healthy, so chances of the C are super low. Most likely tears / hemorrhoids, but still, anxiety came and fucked me. Derailed me. Spun me out for the day.
Thoguth a while about how Dad laughed in the face of that extreme pain. Also how he said that he wants to go out laughing with his last breath. If I can laugh at anxiety and all this shit, I’d be free. Truly Free. Laughing in the face of death. Laughing in the face of attachment. Laughin in the face of anxiety.
I always said that I wanted to live life to my absolute fullest so when the C diagnoses comes, I can laugh at it. That’s one of my true goals. Fuck it’s hard though, I really, really gotta live lol. And I really, really gotta mend this mindset into steel to do so.
I’m getting better and better at controlling spinning out and identifying anxiety. It’s from the mindfullness training I’ve been doing. It’s slowly becoming a habit. Better and better everyday.